People say the best place to watch fireworks in this country is at San Diego Bay, so we went this year. The big bay boom attracted around 500,000 people with 2 tons of fireworks.

A canopy of brilliant colors burst into the night. They plunged into the sky from different locations around the bay at the same time. Countless sparkles were showering from above. I saw fairies scattering flowers from heaven. I saw blooming golden chrysanthemums. Then they turned into a meteor shower. It was spectacular.

But it hurt.

Everything beautiful in this world, hurts.

The pain punched me right from this stunning sight and sound. How it’s possible that he is not here to watch?

In the midst of the excitement and laughter, I miss him desperately. I wasn’t sitting under a colorful sky, but in a dark dungeon. A dungeon that I can never get out. I can’t let him go. I’m angry. It’s lonely. I don’t understand. I’m confused. It’s not all better yet after 4 years, 7 months, 8 days. It may never be. Every moment for joy is like burying him again, again and again. The pain of losing him, the pain of living on without him, the pain of longing for one more hug…Again, I drowned myself in tears.

Over the years I’ve taught myself how to relieve pains quickly and calm down. Too many things around trigger tears that I have to take a deep breath, hold back tears, and let them flow back into the heart: a student was reading a book he loved to read, his favorite music in the air, the only cereal he ate on the shelf, footprints on the beach, even the beautiful sunset…I handle these moments well as they are constantly ripping the heart out and the heart becomes hardened and tears dry. But the hardest is when the darkness sets in and the pains become excruciating. Just like now the sky over the water was bright, but the earth was dark. Even with the cheering crowds, I found myself panic and broken.

“Look up! Stars!” David exclaimed.

I looked up and there in the sky were fireworks in the shape of stars: blue, red and white. People were cheering, clapping the hands and my tears couldn’t stop.

Yes, look up. How many times I remind myself to look up, to fix my eyes upon the above. But the heart is deceitful, emotions fluctuate and my understanding fails to see the grand picture.

“You are the light of the world… In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. (Matt 5: 14)

The fireworks are designed to go boom colorfully and bring joy. My child was designed to shine the light of God through who he was and what he did. Even he is not here with me on the earth, I was designed to reflect and carry that light. I live in a dark world, full of stress, diseases, death and confusion. But God’s Word tells me to “cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light” (Romans 13:12).

I wiped off my tears. A voice came from afar:

“Remain in the light and not to be drawn back into the dark.”

The fireworks show almost came to an end with all the sparkles covering the whole sky. There, looking up I saw my child’s smile face, shining through the sparkles: “Mom, I’m God’s little lights. I meant to shine like the stars. Hang in there.”

I miss him dearly and I will carry the light till the day we meet again.