Dear Joey,
How is your new year? Some people say there is no concept of time in heaven. Is it really like what the Bible says “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.”? How I wish time could stop the week before Thanksgiving, so mommy could hold your hands forever. How I wish I could have a long sleep for 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, then time flies by when I wake up, you are a grow-up man just like what you want to be. Oh I would hug you and kiss you. I would rather not live my time if that could save you more time.
But time can’t go back like what mommy wishes. Your earthly time stops forever on that day, but never there is a time you are not in my heart. When I wake up in the morning, you are standing by the bed smiling, “Wake up, mommy!” When I eat the breakfast, you are sitting by me eating your Newman’s Own cereal. When I sit on the couch, you are playing your Lego. When I go to bed at night, you are by my side saying good night. Never there is a time you are not around.
There is time mommy functions well, for David, for Dad, for grandma and grandpa, for foundation in your name. There is time mommy is completely broken. Today is the day mommy can’t function. Today when I waited at the red light, an ambulance stopped by me. I looked at the ambulance and it is the same one we were in when you were transported to Shands after the medical flight. Suddenly I see you in that ambulance, sleeping with the oxygen mask on. You never wake up from that sleep and call me mommy again. You never wake up from that sleep and hug me again. You never wake up from that sleep and laugh, walk, jump and run again. You never wake up from that sleep and tell me how much you love me again.
You know from the moment when you were in that ambulance, mommy’s inside already dies. It is gone with you. Then the light turned green and mommy realized I had to move on. But it is so hard to move on. Mommy had to pull over and cry. Mommy couldn’t move on when the inside dies. David was sitting at the back and asked, “Mommy, do you miss Joey again? I can’t find the tissue paper here.”
Mommy finally moved on and drove home. A package was sitting at the door. It is from your friend’s grandparents. There is a blanket for David and a CD. A CD they made for mommy and it says Thoughts of Joey. There are songs in the CD about a sky full of stars. They listen to these music when they think of you. Mommy put the CD into the player and there you are, Joey. You are standing right in front of me hugging me, “Mommy, I’m ok. I’m the star, the brightest one in the sky.”
Happy new year, Dear Joey. Mommy will look for the brightest star in the sky tonight.
Good night dear Joey, and see you soon.
Mommy
1/6/2015