Last back-to-school photo

I have been enjoying the back to school pictures this year so much. The day when I woke up, I couldn’t wait to check my facebook. I love to see Joey’s friends grow up. Last year this time, my heart was bleeding, missing Joey terribly. I still feel hurt and bitter this time of the year, but I feel different this year. Maybe because I’m nostalgic: I can’t physically see his friends far away.

Then I realized I had been nostalgic, all the time, since he was gone. I had been addicted to living in the past, even it brings a great sense of sadness.

I went back to Joey’s school several times, sitting by the table on the playground where his painting was, sobbing and talking to him. I drove by his violin teacher’s house, seeing far away as if he was playing music. I walked on the soccer field, back and forth, longing to cheer for him. I knocked on the door where boyscout meets, listening to his laughter. I visited oncology floor, even it hurts like hell.

Luke is right. He convinced me to choose cremation instead of burial, because he knows I would be at the burial site every day, wanting to dig him out and hug him.

But now, I can’t do any of these. His school, playground, boyscout, hospital…Everything, is miles and mountains away.

The only thing I could do is to create those memories near me. So I set up the corners in the house, everywhere, bedroom, living room, yard, stairs. They are my sweet spots. I sit on the stairs this morning looking at the beautiful flowers as if I saw the smile of my beautiful boy. The boy holding a gold heart, the craft made by his friend, the vase from his school, the plaque of “Joey’s place”, a ceramic crane sitting on his lego, all these are from dear friends. Oh how I miss them!

Then I see the sunlight. The glowing sunlight shines though the cranes hanging down from the chandelier. I sense the pure and spontaneous pleasure. How blessed I am to have friends that make saying goodbye so hard!

Love is missing someone when you are apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you are close in the heart. I say to myself: right here, right now, I want to develop new experiences that create joy, focus on them as they are happening, and share with my friends far away as we enjoy the moments together. It is strange feeling how I hold on to the pieces of the past so desperately while I wait for the future. The times I lived through, the people I met in this journey and people I shared those times with — it’s like a tape recorder. It tells a story. It’s a story of my boy, a story of a life. And the story continues, as I struggle, tumble, stand up and smile.

I miss you all and we will soar together.