Christmas Eve

10846049_10205850366485445_2978070197358159620_nDear Joey,

Mommy joined a facebook group where parents share stories of their child in heaven. From time to time, there are people mentioning signs of their heavenly child coming back, like a child’s face showing among the Christmas lights, sacred orb, rainbow… All kind of signs. Mommy never believed these. Mommy thought it is their illusions, imagination, false hope, dreaming from a broken heart…

Every day at 5:50pm, I light up a candle on the kitchen counter. 5:50pm is the worst time of a day for mommy. So I light up a candle to calm down myself,

Silent night

Dear Joey,

Mommy had thought I would feel less pain if I get out of house. But I was wrong.

Grocery shopping is a pain. When I pass by your favorite snacks, I want to grab them. You know your brother is even more picky than you. He doesn’t eat any snack or dessert like you. Cooking is actually much easier for mommy now. But I would rather spend the whole day in the kitchen cooking if you could come back and eat a bite, just a small bite. Today I even found organic hot dog in the trader joe’s!

A Christmas without you


Dear Joey,

            I bring David to see Santa today. He is so excited to see Santa coming in the helicopter and here is their picture. But something is wrong with this picture, very wrong. You see, you are supposed to be on the other side of Santa. But you are not. How can I have Christmas without you?

            When your little brother asked me on the first day when you were not at home, “Where is Joey?” I told him you grew wings and are with Jesus. So now every time I cry,



When Chris Tomlin came to town last year, I was so determined to write him a letter. I wanted to tell him how his music touches my heart and impacts my relationship with God. I wanted to tell him how his music pulls me through the darkest days of my life. And I was determined to ask him if he could contribute a song in his concert to the children who are fighting cancer and to those who passed. Then I hesitated. I had never been so hesitated like this before. I hesitated.