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The unseen battle

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November is here. I am terrified of going to sleep or waking up.

On Nov. 24th, 2014, Joey was airlifted from Cincinnati Children’s to Shands. 5:50pm on Nov. 26th, he took the last breath. On Nov. 27th, the Thanksgiving day, people from the eye bank went into the funeral home and took his cornea.

This year, Nov. 26 falls on Thanksgiving. I cry and I ask my Father why the most painful day of the year needs to be on Thanksgiving. Piece of my heart is with Joey in heaven forever,

oh the places you’ll go

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Dear Joey,
You don’t know mommy hid things from you in the house. I once bought 12 used sets of Lego Technic from someone and hid them in the closet. I let you play one set at a time. They are complicated, challenging and take time. You loved them! But you never get to finish all 12 sets because you were so tired. There are still more in the closet, Joey. I want to send them to you to play. I really want to. I ask God if I could.

Today I took out another thing I hid from you.

Children’s Day

Today is International Children’s Day. I think of those children I met in the last two years, some passed and some are still fighting, newly diagnosed cases are coming up everyday. Globally, there are more than 250,000 children diagnosed with cancer each year and one is diagnosed every 3 minutes.

Yet in the wealthiest country, in the next budget allocations, the taxpayer-funded National Cancer Institute will AGAIN allocate only 4% to childhood cancer research. Despite the fact that more than 13,500 children diagnosed each year with cancer in this country, and more than 40,000 children undergoing cancer treatment each year,

Lucas

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Life is getting harder and harder. Even when I’m busy, I feel like an empty shell with a lonely soul wandering around. The hardest part is to watch the loved ones suffer in front of your eyes. Now he doesn’t suffer anymore, leaving me a lifetime of pain. No matter how hard I work to turn that pain into something positive, I can’t make the broken part of my heart complete. That part is forever with him in heaven.

I see the impact of his passing everyday, including the impact on his friends,

World Cancer Day

Today is World Cancer Day. There are many pictures I want to post, pictures of kids we lost, pictures of kids still fighting, pictures of survivors. But today I think of one picture. This is the picture of Joey’s little brother playing with other kids on the oncology floor in the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. You probably notice that they are not the kids from this country. I met a lot of them in Cincinnati Children’s. I saw the signs in Arabic every where in the hospital. I saw their moms covered up in black every where. I saw the interpreters and I even saw the oncologist from their country.

Your eyes

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Dear Joey,

I’m holding this card and pin, and crying at the door when the postman handed me the box. I have been waiting for this for two months. Today they finally arrived.

Dear Joey, please don’t be mad at mommy that I never discuss this with you. I never had a chance. All the doctors told me nothing from your body can be donated because of the spread of the cancer. But they were wrong. See, doctors don’t know everything. Your eyes, your precious eyes,

Empty bucket

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Dear Joey,

Today I read a book to David called Have You Filled a Bucket Today? I really like the book. It says, “Everyone carries an invisible bucket. You feel very happy and good when your bucket is full, and you feel very sad and lonely when your bucket is empty. You fill a bucket when you show love to someone, when you say or do something kind, or give someone a smile. You dip into a bucket when you make fun of someone, when you say or do mean things. When you fill someone’s bucket,

A sky full of stars

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Dear Joey,

How is your new year? Some people say there is no concept of time in heaven. Is it really like what the Bible says “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.”? How I wish time could stop the week before Thanksgiving, so mommy could hold your hands forever. How I wish I could have a long sleep for 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, then time flies by when I wake up, you are a grow-up man just like what you want to be.